I decided to sit on my top stair for a moment today. This in itself seems kind of strange but sometimes I need to take a pause and sit and think, take a breath, wherever I might be. I happened to be about to walk downstairs so there I sat. Gazing down, I was struck by the strange temptation to tumble down, just fall.
While this particular urge was new to me (possibly because I don't find myself sitting at the top of stairs too often), I don't think the idea was totally new. Part of it is the release, the total abandon that attracts me. But also, just the possibility fascinates me--the fact that I could, maybe simply out of curiosity, yet I restrain myself is tantalizing in itself.
I think about this a lot when I'm driving. I didn't come up with this first, it's discussed a bit in the novel Rant by Chuck Palahniuk, but it's amazing how we can drive everyday completely believing in the fragile system we've created, the thin double yellow line we all adhere to when it would be so unbelievably easy to cross it. That even a single lapse, a slight twitch of my arm to the left could change everything is frighteningly intriguing. I don't want to think about it but I can't resist doing so all the time. It's kind of like what Dostoevsky said about his gambling addiction, when you're surrounded by endless possibilities how can you ignore them? It's not exactly the same because I'd never actually give in to the possibilities, but it's kind of the idea of our absolute freedom we often forget about. Anything is possible and almost everything you know about life can change in a blink of an eye. But it's much more comfortable to ignore this.
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